Dead, desperate and defeated in the desert

Unfortunately, it's been a very long time since I've had the gumption to get creative in any shape or form.  It's got a lot to do with depression, lack of inspiration, and downright depression.  Did I mention depression? 

Don't worry - I kind of use that word in an ethereal sense, not a true psychiatric sense. Don't send in the "white coats" just yet.   Been feeling lost as of late - lonely and alone.

Defeated.  - 52 weeks of writing isn't going well - victory is always just beyond the grasp of my straining fingertips and my feeble thoughts.

I think that's the way it is for many of us.  Isn't it?  I hope I'm not alone, though I feel alone.  Grasping, straining, clawing my way somewhere - anywhere - and nowhere at the same time.

Sometimes, I really hate clicking through the news on MSN or local news websites - more people shooting at one another for absolutely no reason, kidnappings, torture - and yet - there is an overwhelming, yet unspoken reason that many do not want to see - pride, selfishness, entitlement. That latest shooting in California visualized for all of us the perverseness of our world - our country.  A young man, who had what our world terms as "everything" yet he had nothing.  Nothing that really mattered, nothing of eternity. No true and perfect love.  Feelings of entitlement led to defeat, destruction, and ultimately death.  While many times, it may not be in the physical sense - it almost always will manifest as defeat, destruction and death in the spiritual realm.

I'm not here to judge a life, only the one true and living God can do that.  I observe, process and wonder.  Isn't that what this blog is about?  Wonder.  While it all began with discovering wonder in the beauty of creation around me, it has expanded to the discovery of wonder in a desperate soul, the wonder of a broken relationship, and that wonder that seems to escape definition and explanation. Wonder whispers on the breezes.  It calls my name and it paints the landscapes of my soul.

I love You Lord
But I want to love You more
I need You God
But I want to need You more

I'm lost without
Your creative spark in me
I'm dead inside
Unless Your resurrection sings

I'm desperate for a desperate heart
I'm reaching out, I'm reaching

All that I am is dry bones
Without You Lord, a desert soul
I am broken but running
Towards You God, You make me whole

You are exactly what we need
Only You can satisfy

Desert Soul by Rend Collective Experiment

Lest I Forget . . .

When I lose my way . . .

It's so easy to lose your way.  The darkness and night can be overwhelming sometimes. Distractions overcome.  It could be a stumble down a rocky path or a misstep, perhaps even someone who throws us off our true path--a foe, a friend or even a family member.  But many times, I'm my own worst enemy - forgetting who I am and who I belong to.  Have you ever experienced that?

I've heard this Jason Gray song over and over again on the radio and it just blended into the background noise of my car grinding down the road.  Then, all of a sudden this week, I heard something new - something meant for me.  Maybe meant for you, too?

Simple words -- deep meanings.
Powerful words -- powerful meaning.

In the mirror all I see is who I don't wanna be - Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places - when I can't remember what grace is . . 
When I can't receive Your love - afraid I'll never be enough - Remind me who I am
When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home - Remind me who I am

If I'm Your beloved, can You help me believe it

I needed a reminder - a way back - an encouragement.
'
In our feebleness, I don't think we want to be thought of as "beloved."  It's almost "too" good. Insecurities grip our hearts and make us think we don't deserve to be found; don't deserve the love. Yes, we don't deserve even grace.  Dare we hope for something so precious, so dear?

If I'm Your beloved, can You help me believe it.
Tell me, once again who I am to You, who I am to You 
Tell me, lest I forget Who I am to You, that I belong to You, to You


Thanks Jason Gray for this wonderful reminder.  Lest I forget . . .

Two are better than one . . .

The following passage from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 was chosen by my husband and I some 32 years ago to represent how we felt about our life together. My husband designed the cover for our wedding program featuring a cross and the three strands of rope representing our eternal bond with each other and God.

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

As I made my usual late night trek back from the horse barn, crunching in the snow and slip sliding around, I was reminded of many scenes of two romping through the prairie snow, slipping and sliding, falling, and tumbling, I thought of this passage and the importance of lifting one another up. We all slip and slide around, sometimes falling on our faces. But, what if we fall and there is no one to pick us up, to bandage our wounds, to carry us inside to the warmth of a fire? What if?

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord; And He delights in his way. When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; because the Lord is the One who holds his hand." Ps. 37:23, 24

For, it is better that we go through life with a companion—someone to lift us up when we fall, someone to work alongside us in faith, someone to keep us warm, and someone to strengthen us, someone to encourage and love us. Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.

I'm reminded of the following quote from the movie Shall We Dance:

“We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.'"

While I don't agree with minimizing the value of one life, this quote does convey the importance of caring for another individual and the importance of keeping a promise to another human being—being faithful and being there through the good times as well as the bad – every day, all the time, even when it hurts.

What if we have no one to lift us up? God designed us to share life together—to be there for another. We need one another's love and care so desperately, especially in this mixed-up and crazy world. Don't let another day go by without being there for someone, without opening yourself up to the possibility of companionship—mutual respect, honor and love. And, be an example of respect and honor to someone whom God has brought into your life.

Be the heart.

August 3, 1918 - A Mother Remembered . . . and Much, Much More

Ninety-four years ago my mother was born in St. Louis--the only child to a couple (one Irish and another French/Austrian--both first generation Americans).

I remember her today, and as always, try to spend the day reflecting on who she was as a person, how her character impacted mine, and how she influenced me. Earlier this year, I wrote about her in memory of the day she died (March 16, 1998).

Today, however, as I reflect on that special relationship between mothers and daughters, I would be remiss in not mentioning the greatest blessing to my life--my three daughters. My mother and I were only daughters--only children. It's not easy being an "only." You grow up playing alone, make-believe games with imaginery friends. And, now, as an adult, with my parents both gone, I feel it even more--the aloneness of no siblings. On the flip side, it also makes you more independent.

Now as a 50-something mom, I can sit back and realize that there is no greater honor and privilege than knowing my three daughters. Because His plans are true, God placed them here on this earth at their perfect time in history - He created them each with special and unique qualities like no one else on this planet. Their laughter, their warm hearts, their beauty inside and out humbles me like no other.

Each one was created for a special purpose . . . and they can do nothing to disappoint me--ever. I am so proud of the beautiful women they are becoming.

And, despite my insane nature right now, my three daughters are treasures sent from heaven. They are shimmering gems--lighting up my darkness on this day when I remember my Mom and our short 38 years together. I so wish that my Mom was here to see her darling grandaughters and experience the joy I do each and every day knowing they share life with me.

Side note: At the grocery store tonight, I made an impulse buy in the frozen food aisle--Stouffer's Mac & Cheese. I think it was sub-conscious, but when I got home I realized that my Mom loved Stouffer's Mac & Cheese. After my Dad died, she didn't cook as much and it was something easy for her to prepare to share with Meghan & Aubrey when they came to visit. Cheers to Mom--Brinna, Ron & I indulged in this sinful, carbohydrate-drenched side dish tonight. Just sad that Meghan & Aubrey missed the pre-celebration.

Pain of This Earth - Things Above

Yes, that is pain. I'm really tired of the pain and suffering of this life. Some days I just want to give up on everything and everyone. How did Jesus do it, dying, being tortured, and suffering for our petty sins and selfishness? He was the God-man, though. That's how. Then we, selfish humans that we are treat one another with little regard. We are so full of ourselves, our own pettyness, that we disregard the feelings of others. We shamefully think of our own pain, our own supposed suffering without seeing the pain of the Cross, the pain of our neighbor, our friends, our family.

I shake my head in disbelief at the lack of caring, the behavior that eats away at our very souls. Pain is a vast feeling of nothingness, an endless, mindless chasm of tears and suffering. Maybe pain is like hell only its right here on earth, every day surrounding us, engulfing us.

Like a fire – it consumes us – destroying the very fabric of our souls. Crackling, spitting, scorching flames that suck the oxygen from us leaving us breathless and stunned.

Yes, that is pain. A violent brush fire that destroys and then leaves us with nothingness. The aching, the internal hollow feeling that lingers is wretched.

That is indeed the pain I've been feeling for some time now. It's inexplicable--yet somehow so tangible I can feel it, see it, touch it, smell it.

I apologize to my readers for this foray into the deep darkness of the human soul, because I know it's somewhere many dare not venture. Some hide in silence, while others hide in shadows, hoping no one will see their pain. I hide here in words on a blog that very few read. So, it's safe to say that my pain will remain virtually undiscovered. And, do not worry over me because the writing is a way through the pain. And, beyond all this there is a higher hope, a confident clarity and a purposeful journey ever pulling me upward.

I find it is interesting that tonight ushered in a full moon – so appropriate with all its connotations of disaster, predators hunting the weak and werewolves baying. Despite all the pain and suffering in this world, both physical and psychological, there is one thing that remains – I AM. The beginning and the end; Alpha & Omega.

"Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth." (Colossians 3:2)

"And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity." Colossians 3:12-14

The Commitment Garden

The garden analogy is probably nothing new to my readers. However, Saturday as I was weeding out in the 96 degree summer heat, several truths hit me again over the head.

Several years ago, our family spent a long Mother's Day Sunday preparing a garden bed around our patio. We worked and worked to get that bed ready, sprayed, dug, and laid down the landscape fabric - confident it would do its job and there would be no more weeding. The next year, though, the weeds were rampant, making for a lot more back-breaking pulling and chopping to assure our beautiful new bushes and flowers had a chance to take root and grow again.

Years later the bushes are big, the flowers showy and we regularly enjoy visits from skittery little butterflies and zooming hummmingbirds. Was it worth all the effort? Is it still worth the effort each year to prepare the bed, trim the bushes, lay new mulch, pull the errant weeds?

It seems to me that the gardens we plant and nurture are much like the relationships God brings into our lives. Developing a God-designed relationship is hard work and to do it right requires a lot of effort. As broken people, we all have shortcomings, fears, struggles--those weeds that want to choke out the beautiful, the mercy, the grace.

Last Spring I put a lot of effort into a small flower bed in front of the house. However, I neglected some key elements and when I returned from a short trip the weeds had overtaken it. Sadly, I watched in dismay as all that work was ruined. If I had been faithful and weeded the moment I returned, things might have been different. I gave up too soon - I lacked endurance, faithfulness and commitment to my dear friends.

Looking back on those two different plantings, what made the difference? Last year's planting succumbed to the overwhelming heat and dryness, but I can't blame it all on the summer sun. Unfortunately, it was my lack of devotion and care that also contributed to the sad outcome. Yes, it takes work to grow a garden . . . it takes patience, love, and devotion to grow a relationship.

And, what about those instances where the other person is stumbling, weeds are growing up in their life. What do I do then? Do I have the faith not to give up on them even when they've given up on themselves? It's all about commitment - indeed family and faith. Much like the fruits of the spirit - a garden of relationship thrives through the Spirit. The herb garden is thriving through the heat. Why? Love and commitment.

It's a lot to take in - this garden life. Am I up for the challenge? Are you? I'm determined this year will be different. My herb garden is now flourishing; pretty flowers dot the front landscape . . . and the waters of life will sustain them, along with a little help from me. They've got a good start, but it's up to me to maintain our relationship, nurture it - persevere. Love believes all things. (I Corinthians 13:7)

And That's How We Show Love

When you have a menagerie to feed out on the prairie, where do you go? The farm store, of course. We're frequent visitors to the farm & home store in town. It's a great place for plumbing & electrical supplies, garden fertilizer and bedding plants, gun safes, hardware, overalls, flannel, leather work gloves, fencing, sour gummy worms, peanuts in the shell, salt water taffy, and on and on. The list is nearly endless.

Springtime, however, brings a new attraction to the product mix that always has a big pull for the elementary age crowd. And, Miss Brinna is no exception. Can you guess what it is?

Yep, downy balls of ducklings, chicks, and Beatrix Potter's favorite--Peter Rabbit's American cousins. They come in all shades and sizes and inevitably leave an interesting scent in aisle 1. Brinna doesn't seem to mind though, because once we hit the front door she's off for her baby animal fix. This past Saturday was no exception as I stocked up on 50-pound bags of grain for our horses and Brinna cooed to the bunnies.

At the check-out counter, they were giving out freshly cut, home-grown roses. Brinna picked a beauty that looked like God had taken his watercolor palette to it. Delicate brushstrokes of pinks & yellows.

Pushing the overloaded cart, loaded down with about 300 pounds of horse feed, I struggled to the truck with Brinna following. As I loaded the feed into the bed of the truck, I noticed Brinna was distracted a short distance from me, intent on something in the parking lot, near the curb. I called. She came. A beautiful yellow butterfly perched on her finger. The little guy was wounded, however. One of the four wings was down. Her spindly legs clung to Brinna's finger. Then Brinna decided to move the sweet thing to her painted rose.

Brinna's comment to me, "I just want to help make her last moments happy."

And, that's how a little girl showed love to a tiny butterfly.

Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13 NASB)

The Heartbeat of a Savior

"There was reclining on Jesus' breast one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved." (John 13:23, NASB)

Life right now has been overly challenging for our family. Many stresses and obstacles have obstructed our paths and even threatened our vision, our focus as well.

As I reflected today on these challenges, God brought to my mind the image of the apostle John reclining on Jesus' breast during the Last Supper. Several years ago, I read some teachings on this short little verse that opened my eyes to a great many truths. And, thankfully those truths refreshed me and gave me courage once more.

First of all - a few words about John. He refers to himself as "Beloved" or "the one whom Jesus loved." Strong words indeed to indicate a very close, intimate relationship - none of the other apostles are referred to with such tenderness. He wasn't afraid to admit his closeness with His Lord, His Savior.

We are told that he was probably the youngest of Jesus' disciples and he lived the longest of all - dying on Patmos after God granted him the visionary book of Revelation. Just imagine--

* a young boy who witnessed first-hand the life, miracles, and death of the Son of God

* a young man whom Jesus gave over the care for his earthly mother Mary,

* an older man who wrote, under the power of the Holy Spirit, the most readable, yet profound gospel in the New Testament

* and, finally, an elderly man whose lasting legacy is the most complex of all Biblical texts--Revelation.

What shaped this apostle's life into the powerful man of God we know today? What made the difference in his life? Mark 3:13 reads, "And He went up to the mountain and summoned those whom He Himself wanted, and they came to Him." The twelve were chosen, each one for a reason and because Jesus Himself wanted them. However, I still find it fascinating that we don't have a book of Andrew or Philip or Bartholomew or Thomas; not Thaddaeus or Simon either. And, certainly not Judas - though his purpose was just as deliberate as the rest. While He chose them all, only a select few developed as leaders within the early Church.

I would like to think that John thrived and His ministry and legacy grew out of his intimate relationship with Jesus. He leaned backed upon Jesus' breast and listened to His heartbeat. That simple image always stops me in my tracks--Is that where I am right now? Listening to, leaning upon, learning from a God who actually wants me as a friend.

While Jesus is not with us in bodily form today, His Spirit lives in the hearts of every believer. And, the words of His mouth and the meditations of His heart lie within the pages of the Spirit-breathed Scriptures He left to us. As such, I can still hear His heartbeat--it's a privilege He has bestowed, an honor He gives me to be His child and rest in His heart.

Most importantly, to deny those precious gifts He lavished upon us (the gift of friendship & love, the gift of His word, indeed His very heart) is to deny Him.

Are you taking time to listen to His heartbeat today?

SPECIAL NOTE: The two images I've included are scans of two Catholic holy cards from my collection. As you can imagine, this particular theme is of particular interest to me and I have several cards depicting the scene from the Last Supper. The first card is written in French--(loose translation is "Lord, you are sweet nourishment for the soul and the one from whom we receive dignity and will have a part of the heritage of His eternal glory."). The second card reads: "It is there, alone with Jesus Christ that the soul tastes the full sweetness of the Holy Eucharist (P. de Ravignon)." While the word "Eucharist" is the term for Communion or The Lord's Supper in the Catholic tradition, I only just learned that the word "Eucharist" is a Greek word meaning "thanksgiving."

Lenten Experiment - Day 16 (Reaffirm Your Love)

Our couples' Bible study is currently studying the second letter to the Corinthians from Paul. Tonight was the second session--we missed the first night.

What a refreshing evening of engaging conversation, encouragement, and challenge. I'm so thankful to learn from a group of humble, experienced believers. Several of us share commonalities of where we came from spiritually and that brings thoughtfulness and understanding to the mix.

The chapter heading of 2 Corinthians chapter 2 is "Reaffirm Your Love." It begins with Paul sharing his determination to refrain from causing sorrow to his fellow believers, instead praying that they would know his special love for them. He further acknowledges that sorrow can affect a whole body of believers - how I've seen that in action in my past life. Sorrow can tear us apart.

Instead put on love--the perfect bond of unity.

"And we have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." (1 John 4:16)

Lenten Experiment - Day 13 (Blooms Eternal)

Well, to the outside reader, today's entry might appear a bit strange, maybe even intrusive into my daughter's life. However, it was her idea and since I was once again struggling with what to write, I'm going to take her idea and run with it. Let's all just hope she doesn't regret her suggestion later. . .

July 1 is her birthday and last summer she turned 19. For months before her birthday she made comments about all the potted orchids we saw at the local grocery store. They came in a a variety of pretty colors - white with purple spots, mauves, yellows. Their delicate blooms teetered on splindly green branches and she was entranced with their beauty and simplicity. I determined that one of those graceful beauties would brighten her birthday celebration.

Who would have thunk that her young man would also have the same thought. Like minds think alike (ssshhh, and our minds do run in parallel universes, strangely enough).

So just a few days before her birthday my youngest daughter, Brinna, & I surveyed the selection and picked a lovely white flower (Phalaenopsis) with mauve accents.

The night before her birthday her young man drove in from Kansas City long after she had gone to bed so he could surprise her the next morning for her birthday. Yes, you guessed it - he toted a large pot carrying another Phalaenopsis orchid in bright pink with dark pink spots. I snapped a photo of it outside her door--patiently awaiting her discovery.

The two plants bloomed for about a month, then shed their colorful ornaments. The last several months, these two orchids have adorned our kitchen counter--dormant spiky stems sticking hither and yon. We trimmed them back as instructed and kept up our regimented ice cube watering but month and after tortuous month, the stems still taunted us with their barrenness. Everything we read said the flowers would be dormant for three months, but after six months my poor daughter was becoming distraught.

Then, all of a sudden a couple of weeks ago, tiny buds began to form on one of the top stems. We watched in wonder each day hoping for the blooms to open, but the bulbs only got bigger. Then last week, my lovely daughter faced several challenges that threatened her very soul. By week's end, she was worn out, only to greet a lovely pink bloom that grew and expanded as Friday matured.

And, sweetly enough, it all coincided with another visit from her young man - just as it did 8 months ago.

Guess I'm just a sappy old romantic, but I can't help thinking about the joy that bloom brought to my daughter. It continues to be a symbol of patience, love eternal, and hope.

Lenten Experiment - Day 11 (A False Sense of Peace)

Friday & Saturday have been an adventure in patience and perseverence--the larger than life "P's." While I'm not reticent to reveal all the details of the past 48 hours, suffice it to say that life's always full of fun & interesting challenges. And, life can be very messy and crumbly.

And, I'm sooooo glad that God places people in our lives who show us joy and love despite ourselves. Isn't it grand how God does that?

He even places 10-pound, spotted dachshunds in our lives to humble us, to bring us a good laugh every now and then, and to teach us that there's more to life than a spotless house, a well-ordered day and, well, just about anything else I can think of that spells "the perfect life." As you can imagine, that little phrase doesn't fit my life very well and I'm sure it doesn't fit most any of our lives too well if we're really honest with ourselves.

There they are - my three little angels (or three little musketeers)begging to be let in at the back door. I LOVE dachshunds - from their independent spirits to their loyalty and cuddly natures, I have been hooked since I received my first dachshund when I was six years old.

They are comics through and through. And, when they are sleeping their angelic ways can lull you into a false sense of peace--believing them incapable of any infractions.

However, their mischief-makin' ways are legendary and the last three years our family has discovered that our youngest little piebald short-hair named Suubi is definitely full of shenanigans. If meat or any delectable treat is on the kitchen counter, I've seen her jump as high as any NBA star - at least proportional to her 10" off the ground. Her vertical leap many times exceeds the 36" counter height. While she has never had success with stealing a bite from the counter, she has come close - it's like she has springs for legs. She tends to find more success with food left on the dining room table or somewhere nearer her field of scent. Dachshunds are scent hounds and let me tell you this girl can smell - I've never seen anything like it.

Lenten Experiment - Day 6

Well, welcome to February 27, 2012 - Day 6 of Lent.

I have to admit that when I went to bed last night or really early this morning, I had no idea what God would put on my heart to write about today.

However, this morning when I got on the computer and went to my Facebook page, I saw in the newsfeed photos and stories from K-Love's partnership with Cure International, in particular the trip to Afghanistan to deliver handknitted hats to children in the Cure Hospital in Kabul as well as help to little Ali who is receiving corrective surgery today for his cleft palate. Thanks to lots of K-Love listeners, Ali and his family will be truly blessed.

Cure International posted on its page that they received so many hats it will take them a year to distribute all of them across the world and to lots of hospitals & lots of kids! Wow, isn't that awesome? I feel so humbled to be such a small part of that outreach. And, isn't that what Lent is all about--serving, being reminded that each and every one of us is a part of something much, much grander that we can even imagine.

My challenge each day is to look outside my own limited skin for some opportunity to make a difference. And, realizing that God has gifted me with skills, I'm reminded that He gifted me for a purpose--to love, to serve, to encourage, to share what I have. I just hope I'm up to the challenge not just during these 40 days of Lent but for the rest of my brief life on this earth. Our lives are but a vapor. Ashes to ashes . . . dust to dust.