Dead, desperate and defeated in the desert

Unfortunately, it's been a very long time since I've had the gumption to get creative in any shape or form.  It's got a lot to do with depression, lack of inspiration, and downright depression.  Did I mention depression? 

Don't worry - I kind of use that word in an ethereal sense, not a true psychiatric sense. Don't send in the "white coats" just yet.   Been feeling lost as of late - lonely and alone.

Defeated.  - 52 weeks of writing isn't going well - victory is always just beyond the grasp of my straining fingertips and my feeble thoughts.

I think that's the way it is for many of us.  Isn't it?  I hope I'm not alone, though I feel alone.  Grasping, straining, clawing my way somewhere - anywhere - and nowhere at the same time.

Sometimes, I really hate clicking through the news on MSN or local news websites - more people shooting at one another for absolutely no reason, kidnappings, torture - and yet - there is an overwhelming, yet unspoken reason that many do not want to see - pride, selfishness, entitlement. That latest shooting in California visualized for all of us the perverseness of our world - our country.  A young man, who had what our world terms as "everything" yet he had nothing.  Nothing that really mattered, nothing of eternity. No true and perfect love.  Feelings of entitlement led to defeat, destruction, and ultimately death.  While many times, it may not be in the physical sense - it almost always will manifest as defeat, destruction and death in the spiritual realm.

I'm not here to judge a life, only the one true and living God can do that.  I observe, process and wonder.  Isn't that what this blog is about?  Wonder.  While it all began with discovering wonder in the beauty of creation around me, it has expanded to the discovery of wonder in a desperate soul, the wonder of a broken relationship, and that wonder that seems to escape definition and explanation. Wonder whispers on the breezes.  It calls my name and it paints the landscapes of my soul.

I love You Lord
But I want to love You more
I need You God
But I want to need You more

I'm lost without
Your creative spark in me
I'm dead inside
Unless Your resurrection sings

I'm desperate for a desperate heart
I'm reaching out, I'm reaching

All that I am is dry bones
Without You Lord, a desert soul
I am broken but running
Towards You God, You make me whole

You are exactly what we need
Only You can satisfy

Desert Soul by Rend Collective Experiment

God is in the Details

Cicadias are deafening.

They seem to drown out the other evening noises. A tractor/mower, a weedeater, the rainbow colored power parachute guy who throttles by overhead nearly every night, the drone of I-70 several miles to the south, crunching gravel on the road, a barking dog in the distance.

As I sit alone on the patio, gazing out to the prairie hills, it's easy to appreciate the Monet glow of a pink sunset behind me and the early evening stillness.

This past week, leading up to the birthday day yesterday, I gave much thought to writing a blog for my birthday. But that would be a bit too much self-aggrandizement. I really don't like to be pretentious. It's not too cool, me thinks.

So instead, here I sit the day after pondering life on the prairie . . . and wondering really what is it all about. A cacophony of cicadas . . . burnt orange prairie grasses preparing for autumn . . .

. . .a beauty unappreciated by many . . . surprises every day if you look for them. And, that's the ultimate gift of the prairie . . . touching . . . seeing . . . feeling . . . movement, change, wonder. Much like life . . . we have to be open, we have to look for the wonder - seek opportunities to be amazed.

Details, details, details . . . they say God is in the details. And on the prairie . . . it is indeed evident.

Prairie Striped Horse

Exploration on the prairie never seems to end. And wonders fill our hearts and minds.

I just wish I could have acted quickly enough, driving at 70 mph on I-70, to stop and capture this prairie oddity for all to see. All I can say is my youngest daughter and I were witnesses to a miracle - a sighting - far removed from the African velde. Just mid-way in the tallgrass prairie, half-way on our journey to Topeka, close to the geographical center of the U.S. - we spied a prairie striped horse on Saturday last.

Black and white, not gray or tan or prairie beige, no--simple black and white stripes topped with a bristle brush of black. The mysterious creature taunted us from its prairie pasture.

And, yes, you guessed it - a spry little zebra exploring the prairie. I wonder how he or she felt - far removed from its natural surroundings of a grassy African plain. Timid, shy, nearly hidden at the entrance gate to a sprawling ranch, this little guy seemed to be awaiting an opportunity for escapism.

Sometimes I feel a bit like that zebra - alone, different, uprooted from my home place and stranded in a foreign land.

We are but sojourners in this crazy land full of wonder. And, that's not a bad thing - it's just something to ponder - something to appreciate and savor - this aloneness, the uniqueness of my being here on the planet.

And so cheers to that prairie striped horse who is discovering new life on the prairie. So am I. :D

A Walk Through Daybreak

Saturday I awakened to a six o'clock blackness--quiet and full of promise. Expectant adventure. Painted heavens. Monet light. Refreshed peony petals, awash in morning dew. Prairie walk of wonders.

Unfathomable glory in a morning nature walk. I so wish the rest of my family could experience the wonder, see the glory, understand my crazy nature notions. Guess I'm too much like my dad - lovin' the land, inhaling the fragrance of farm.

My older daughters have the stars of shiny city lights in their eyes. I remember that age when all I wanted was the fast-paced excitement of busy streets, exotic restaurants and entertainment choices. Experience has changed all of that; maybe it's the face of a life learned. Something heard from afar; beauty all around.

Experience has gone beyond--grown into something sacred--wonder, awe, contentment, peace.

Splendor and majesty are before Him, Strength and beauty are in His sanctuary (Psalms 96:6 NASB).

Even one of our cats enjoyed the tall grasses--hiding, stalking, playing. Glassy eyes pointed on its prey. Ringed tail at attention, saluting the dawn.

Criss-crossing hillsides dotted with Spring flowers--iris, nameless, nomad wild flowers, and pink prairie roses blushing as they meet the sun.

Then there are the fragile, fairy blues. Each Spring their spindly feathery stems take flight among the grasses and each year my feeble attempts at capturing their glory for the digital world falls short. The blue fades, the wind blows, something distracts from their magic. This year . . . well, you decide.

It continues to be an exercise in patience. hhmmm? But despite their ever-frustrating behavior, I persevere because something tells me the pursuit of grace is all worth it.

It's another step of walking through daybreak.

Lenten Experiment - Day 20

One of my favorite things is fog. It conjures up visions of 1930s Sherlock Holmes' movies on a fuzzy 1960s black & white TV. Earlier mornings with that certain "bite" in the air brings a shiver of wonder down my back that is almost indescribable.

It's not tangible, yet its palatable. Right now I hear my dogs howling, faced toward the smokiness that seems to have crossed the road and is heading up our field toward the house. It wasn't there 30 minutes ago when I snapped these photos. It's on the move, much like the handiwork of God--always in motion, always alive. And, what has created that movement? The sun, of course.

The mystery and intrique of a foggy morning is a delight for it speaks of a God moving down to earth to perform His wonders.

"Bow Thy heavens, O Lord, and come down; touch the mountains, that they may smoke." (Ps. 144:5 NASB)

Lenten Experiment - Day 9

Today, March 1, one of my Facebook friends posted a beautiful photo from outer space that inspired my imagination. I couldn't help thinking about it all day and marveling at its beauty. The diversity of colors, imagery and patterns were awe-inspiring. I encourage you to discover the beauty and wonder that is depicted at www.space.com. This website isn't just about images from space, but it educates on science, astronomy, technology, space flight, the search for life outside our galaxy, and even robots.

Credit: ESO/T. Preibisch

As I gaze into these magnificent photos I feel really inadequate and not quite up to the challenge of day-to-day living. I see how very, very small I am in the scheme of things--in comparison to the vastness of our universe. It gives me an appreciation for who I am and who created me and this world in which I live. The technology capable of discovering these areas so far away from Earth overwhelms me. Visualizing the intricacies of a nebula will take your breath away.

Credit: Canada-France-Hawaii Telescope/Coelum

Space truly is the beginning of wonder - awe of the unknown, awe of creation, awe of something so much larger than ourselves. Sit back and be amazed!